Peter Shelton

Message from a Secure Location

Posted in Watch columns by pshelton on March 30, 2010

Greetings. Captain Jobaphat here. I want to let you know that despite the round-up of our brethren in Michigan by the foot soldiers of the Antichrist, ie. the Federal Government, all is well and growing in readiness here at our secret location in Montrose County.

In case you didn’t hear, the Hutaree militia, led by Captain Hutaree, a.k.a. David Brian Stone, Sr., and three of his devoted children, one of whom, the daughter I think, is not a skinhead, were ripped from their freedom-loving beds yesterday morning and charged with sedition—whatever that is—and weapons possession, which, last time I looked, commie godless Federal Buttwipes of Insurrection!, was an American Right—no, a duty—preordained by the Second Amendment. And Jesus Christ.

The brothers and sisters in the Midwest were planning an action designed to catalyze the big anti-government uprising we Christian Warriors are working towards. Like it says on the Family Stone website: “Preparing for the end time battles.” The government indictment says they were planning to kill a law enforcement officer then set off Iraq-style I.E.D.s during the funeral procession to kill more cops, “diminishing their ranks and rendering them ineffective.” Then they were going to retreat to “rallying points” and wage war against the government.

I can’t comment here on the truthfulness of the indictment. That would violate the truthiness pledge between cells of the movement. Really, I don’t even know what the Hutarees were up to for sure. I only know what we Jobaphats are working on ourselves, end days-wise. Need a refresher? Check out our camouflaged website and click some links.

By the way, I made up the word Jobaphat. It has nothing to do with Star Wars or polyunsaturated fats or anything like that. (Some people are so dumb.) I actually believe it has Old Testament meaning. Like, phat means “he’s gonna be judged.” And Job, well, Job was persecuted—boy, was he ever!—just like the church is persecuted around the world today. So, the Jobaphat Militia, as I see it, is kind of a “voice of the martyrs” sort of thing.

You can also read about doctrine on the website. (I admit I borrowed some of this from the Hutarees, but so what. It’s all there in the Bible.) Anyway, it’s all about the foolish ones expecting Christ to arrive too soon. They don’t have enough oil for their 10 virgins to last through the night. But Matthew knew you needed to bring enough oil with you, ‘cause Jesus wasn’t gonna come right away. And those other people are going to knock on the door and there won’t be anybody home. And He will say, “Away with you, for you are in the way.”

That fate is not going to befall me or any of the Jobaphat Silver Riflemen, or Boramanders, or Zulifs, or Arkons. We’re organized, we have ranks and special salutes, and we’re preparing some more. I can’t tell you here if Sarah Palin is coming to our big fundraiser and fence burning later this month. (And of course I can’t tell you if she’s a member or not. You know better than to even ask.) But she would be so perfect. She’s got those Democrat government censors by the balls with her gutsy, honest talk about having the “enemy in your crosshairs,” and “targeted dead men,” and “Never retreat; instead RELOAD!”

Boy, if that don’t stiffen your trunk. . . Anyway, just know that her people are in negotiation with our people. And keep your fingers crossed. In case you haven’t seen it, there are prophesies about her visiting the Uncompahgre Valley at G.I. Joe’s Guns and Parts and Remember, like Stone, Sr., said on his website: “Jesus wanted us to be ready to defend ourselves using the sword and stay alive using equipment.”

Speaking of equipment, about the training exercise that was planned for today? That’s a negatory, Good Buddy. Cancelled. Scrubbed. Call headquarters immediately if you didn’t get the word.

I’m not at liberty to explain why. But it might be there’s a traitor in our midst. Some Benedict Harvey working undercover for the New World Order. Eavesdropping on our e-mails. Video-taping our secret shoulder-mounted rocket launcher practice sessions. Tapping our phones. Trying to figure out how we know just how much oil it’s gonna take to go all night long. Preparing for the end time. Battling to keep the testimony of Jesus Christ alive.

Happy April Fools Day.

2 Responses

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  1. Mary Ann Dismant said, on March 30, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    Love (satirical?) fantasy. Especially when it’s true.
    Your’s has a ring of Dave Cassler’s Flying Broomstick (FOG) novels. Have you read any of his series? He has Mt. Sneffel’s Press.
    Keep going.

  2. Mary Ann Dismant said, on March 31, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Bless me brother, for I have sinned. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa (through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault.) Do know that I am computer-challenged. I did not click on the names, like Hutaree, in blue print. I didn’t even know those blue print items would give me information. My jumping Jehoshaphat, I did not know the truth behind/of your story. From what you say, it is a satire of a real event(s). I still think it reads well, of course all the more with sweet little quotes by Sara Palin. I wish you would write this as a novella from now until November. I think it would both sell and inform. Now you can relax. Lent ends this Sat. at noon. You can eat candy again.
    Mary Ann Dismant

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